


Commonality

by polymona



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Fuck Or Die, Humor, M/M, Marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 02:11:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18459308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polymona/pseuds/polymona
Summary: Deep in GELF space is a bad time to find out that there is a decades old bounty on your head.Can a loophole in GELF law save Dave Lister?Arnold Rimmer may be his only hope.





	Commonality

**Author's Note:**

> Set sometime Series XI+

  
  
“Lister, that’s obscene.”  
  
“What? I’m only eating a banana.”  
  
“Well, you are purposely eating it in an obscene way.”  
  
“It got partially frozen in the cargo bay when it was exposed to space. I can’t just bite into it.” Lister shoved the banana back into his mouth and took Starbug’s controls with both hands to make a quick course correction.  
  
Rimmer’s face looked several shades of red.  
  
“You- you- why are you even eating that anyway?” The hologram managed to finally sputter out.  
  
The human turned to look at his longtime bunkmate and slowly, ever so slowly, removed the banana from his mouth while maintaining eye contact. “Really, man? You’re the one that’s always harping on me to eat healthier, drink less, and all that smeg.”  
  
“You’re supposed to eat the fruit not make love to it!” Rimmer exclaimed.  
  
Lister rolled his eyes, returning to the controls.  
  
Just then, one of the warning lights on the console started blinking, then another, and another.  
  
Lister jumped out his chair. “Kryten! Cat! Hurry!”  
  
==  
  
“Sirs, I’m afraid it’s GELF warships, a dozen of them, encroaching rapidly on our location.”  
  
“Can we make it back to the Dwarf before they reach us?” Lister asked.  
  
“Negative. We are too deep in their space and their ships are faster than ours.”  
  
“Are we sure they aren’t just bringing us more shiny things?” Cat asked hopefully.  
  
“Unlikely, sirs.” Kryten shook his head.  
  
“Why suddenly change their minds and attack now?” Rimmer asked. “We completed a mutually beneficial trade arrangement. They got their cargo. We got ours. Kumbaya.”  
  
Suddenly, Starbug shook as a warning shot fired past them.  
  
“Sirs, we are being hailed.”  
  
==  
  
“ACK! CHACK, CHACK, AHuuuugg KAHK kacccuuuuGH! Ach Ech ech…”  
  
"What's he saying, Krytes?"  
  
"Translating now, sirs: Humble apologies… human scum… "  
  
"Mixed messages much?"  
  
"Shush, Rimmer!"  
  
"…it is not our way… to attack… trade friends… but… we Inkiechwoya… are honor bound. We only discovered your… big price… head bounty… after you complete trade deal…"  
  
"Bounty?" Lister mouthed softly.  
  
"…We Inkiechwoya are blood brothers with distant Kinitawowi tribe… and human scum commit great dishonor to Chief Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech…"  
  
"I though you told me she was dead!" Rimmer exclaimed.  
  
Lister paled. "She survived that crash into the ice planet? And she's the chief now?"  
  
"Sounds like you're screwed, buddy!" Cat grinned.  
  
"…But you are also friend of Butler…" Kryten twitched slightly as he repeated the name of the other mechanoid. "…who has saved many lives of many tribes in GELF space… so… out of respect we will give you twenty four hours of your time to return to your ship… and say last goodbyes… before we take the human one in… we will follow… there is no escape."  
  
The Inkiechwoya terminated the feed, and the GELF ships backed away just enough to open a path for Starbug to continue towards the Dwarf.  
  
There was a long solemn pause, and then a half melted banana unceremoniously plopped onto the floor.  
  
Rimmer sighed. "Kryten, is there anything we can do?"  
  
==  
  
"Anything, yet, Krytes?" Lister asked, taking a seat in Red Dwarf's main control room.  
  
"Well, Mr. Lister, sir, I've sent an urgent communique off to Butler for insight, but it is long, long range, so it may take some time to get a response."  
  
'"I don't have 'some time'." Lister said, wringing his hands nervously. "Give it to me straight, Krytes, what's gonna happen to me if they take me away?"  
  
“I dare not speculate, sirs.”  
  
"We're not going to let them take you." Rimmer said sternly.  
  
"We're not?" Cat added.  
  
"Cat, man." Lister sighed and put his head in his hands.  
  
“Who knows what manner of horrible things they’ll do to him!” Rimmer continued, pacing about. “Locked up, chained, poked, prodded, paraded about, executed-or worse-shipped on the fastest GELF ship back to his dear old lady-”  
  
Lister gave the hologram an exasperated look. “If you’re trying to help me feel better, here, it’s not workin.”  
  
==  
  
The boys from the the dwarf were all sat round the table of the usual bunkroom, trying not to focus on the clock, or the very little time that was remaining, or the huge GELF warships visible out of every one of Red Dwarf’s windows.  
  
“Sirs! Sirs!” Kryten said excitedly, rushing into the room, and plonking down a huge stack of papers onto the table. “I think I have it!”  
  
Lister perked up. “What’s this, Krytes?”  
  
“’The Complete Text of Common Law of the Non-Aligned GELF Worlds’,” the mechanoid replied cheerfully.  
  
Rimmer glanced over Lister’s shoulder to read further. “’For Practicers and Revelers of Law Alike, A Work by Butler’.”  
  
“He wrote an entire book on GELF law?” Lister gaped in awe, before slowly furrowing his brow. “And you took the 'time' to print it all out!”  
  
“I thought it would make for a more dramatic effect, sirs,” the mechanoid replied sheepishly.  
  
“Marvelous! Thank you Butler!” Rimmer added, giving the text a kiss, with a quick aside. “Why didn’t we add him to the crew again?”  
  
Kryten twitched slightly, but then shook his head and continued. “I’ve downloaded and reviewed the text thoroughly and reached the same conclusion as Butler did when I relayed our predicament.”  
  
"And?" Rimmer asked.  
  
“There is no way for Mr. Lister to avoid being brought to trial, but there is a loophole that would allow him to seek the equivalent of an annulment for the marriage to Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech by proving that the arrangement of the marriage was based on a lie, and that he was ineligible in the eyes of GELF law for the union in the first place. Then we plead guilty to the lesser crime of the lie and pay a fine.”  
  
“Ineligible? How would I be ineligible?”  
  
“You simply have to prove that you were already married at the time-in the eyes of GELF law.”  
  
“But I wasn’t.” Lister looked visibly puzzled. “I haven’t been married before then. Think I’d remember that.”  
  
“It’s important to remember, sirs, that GELF culture is quite different to that of humans.”  
  
“Get to the point, Kryten, time is not moving any slower,” Rimmer complained.  
  
The mechanoid continued. “Sirs, are you familiar with the term common-law marriage?”  
  
Three blank stares and half-shrugs apparently made that a ‘no.’  
  
“The ancient human concept of a common-law marriage is a union that is considered valid by both partners, but has not been formally recorded with an official registry, or celebrated in a formal service. In effect, the act of the two representing themselves to others as being married, through cohabitation, etc, acts as the evidence that they are married.”  
  
“But what does that have to do with-” Rimmer began.  
  
“These GELF have no concept of cohabitation for extensive periods of time for any reason other than being in an intimate committed partnership,” Kryten explained.  
  
"I'm lost," Cat interrupted. "Can you explain what those words mean?"  
  
"Which ones?" Lister asked.  
  
"All of them," Cat replied.  
  
“Mr. Lister, sir," Kryten continued, "can you think of anyone you may have lived with for a considerable amount of time?”  
  
The human sat there, gears slowly turning, glancing around.  
  
"Wha? You mean Rimmer?" Lister asked, gesturing towards the hologram.  
  
"But-" Rimmer sputtered, starting to realize what the mech was suggesting. "But we're just bunkmates!"  
  
"And for how long have you shared a room with Mr. Lister?"  
  
"I-erm-" The hologram hemmed and hawed. "I-"  
  
"Decades," Lister finally said, glancing over at Rimmer. "With a few leaves of absence here and there."  
  
"And how long prior to your engagement to Ech-ech-e-"  
  
"Do you really have to hack the entirety of that name out every time?" Rimmer snapped.  
  
"At least six years I think," Lister replied.  
  
"Sirs, that is more that enough to make our case. The ships logs have all the proof we need."  
  
"Just to be clear, Kryten, what case is that again?" Rimmer questioned skeptically.  
  
"That Mr. Lister was ineligible for marriage because in the eyes of the GELF he was already in a common-law marriage with you, Mr. Rim-"  
  
"This is preposterous! Ah! Wait! I'm a hologram, an electronic lifeform. I-can't be considered married to a human. That's illegal."  
  
"Actually, sirs, human-hologram marriage was legalized early in the 26th century, and GELF law is similarly open minded."  
  
"Oh." Rimmer responded flatly.  
  
Lister was grinning at him.  
  
"You think this is funny? Am I a joke to you?"  
  
"Nah. Just wondering what happened to 'We're not going to let them take you'."  
  
"Ah. That." The hologram replied.  
  
Rimmer paused, feeling the judging eyes of Cat and Kryten on him. "We sleep in different beds!" He exclaimed.  
  
"Most of the time." The human couldn't resist adding.  
  
"Lister!"  
  
"This is too much info for me, Bud." Cat complained putting his fingers in his ears.  
  
"These are personal private personal things that are not to be openly discussed!" The hologram hissed at his bunkmate.  
  
"Sorry! Sorry!" Lister said. "Can't help meself."  
  
Rimmer sighed deeply. "Do I have to sign something?"  
  
==  
  
Two Inkiechwoya warriors holding large spears waited at the edge of the docking bay as Starbug landed on their main warship.  
  
"Ech kack kack!" One of them yelled sternly as the boys from the dwarf disembarked.  
  
"Pardon," Kryten said with a bow, "we are cooperating as quickly as possible."  
  
As soon as Lister stepped off the platform, he was taken aside and shackled.  
  
"Ech Augh Chack? We only.. need human.. why rest of you.. still here?"  
  
Kryten bowed again, and managed to get across their intentions in the dialect with only a few butchered syllables here and there. "Please allow us the honor of attending the trial ceremony. I will be acting on the human's behalf as legal council. The hologram, as the accused's life mate has the right to stand by him, as is the tradition."  
  
The two GELF glanced at each other, muttered a few words then turned back to the mechanoid.  
  
"Kech kaywo. Continue."  
  
Kryten, Rimmer, and Cat followed as Lister was led deeper into the ship for the trip back to the Inkiechwoya colony.  
  
The feline was suddenly stopped with a spear inches from his face.  
  
"Woya wo! What you… here for?"  
  
Cat pondered for a moment.  
  
"Emotional support?" He offered finally.  
  
The GELF shrugged and let him pass.  
  
==  
  
Lister stood on a platform in the GELF council chambers, three Inkiechwoya judges in front of him, Kryten at his side, and Rimmer and Cat sat in the benches behind.  
  
"The accused has brought great dishonor to our peoples and himself. One does not walk out on a sacred union and get away with it. It is not our way. How do you plead?"  
  
Kryten nudged the human.  
  
"Oh, not guilty." Lister said.  
  
"ECH OYA WHACK?" The GELF observing in the benches went into an uproar.  
  
The middle judge banged a large rock to quiet the room.  
  
"If I may," the mechanoid said, slowly approaching the judges and passing them a small data-drive.  
  
Rimmer's leg jiggled nervously as he watched the judges pour over the information and mutter amongst themselves.  
  
"Wo kack hologram," one of the judges said firmly.  
  
The mechanoid turned and gestured quickly for Rimmer to come stand on the platform next to Lister.  
  
"Hey, man," the human said softly, nudging the hologram gently with his shoulder since his hands were still bound.  
  
Rimmer simply nodded, and swallowed hard. Lister could tell he was shaking slightly.  
  
"Keya ugh ya," the main judge began, "it has not been since the early days of our people… that such a marriage has been claimed… back then… few had the resources… to afford a ceremony… or travel to the great registry… ech ugh Inkiechwoya ei kinitawowi ech oh oh oh woya wo…"  
  
The human and the hologram watched as the judge rambled on for a while, making some motions with her hands and finally clapping them together and nodding to Kryten.  
  
The mechanoid bowed in return.  
  
"Is it going well?" Rimmer whispered loudly to the mech.  
  
Kryten bobbed his head about in a noncommittal way.  
  
"Did I win me case?" Lister added, hopefully.  
  
"In a manner of speaking, sirs," the mechanoid replied slowly. "But, there were some… stipulations."  
  
One of the GELF guards moved towards the accused and began to remove Lister's shackles.  
  
"Smeg, those were rough," he mumbled, rubbing his now freed wrists.  
  
Then, the two were led from the platform to face the the judges up close.  
  
Rimmer and Lister watched as a long roll of very old looking paper was unfurled in front of them.  
  
"Ech Kack," the GELF said, offering a writing tool.  
  
Lister glanced back at Kryten with a questioning look.  
  
"Sirs, you must register your marriage in the official Inkiechwoya roll in order for them to accept your plea."  
  
Lister looked at the pen in his hand and the paper before him. He paused to catch Rimmer's eyes briefly before signing his name.  
  
The human offered up the pen to the hologram, which he accepted.  
  
"Lister, I-"  
  
"I know, man."  
  
==  
  
With the two names having been signed, the judge presented a large sparkling stone and motioned for Rimmer and Lister to place their hands onto it. As sacred words of binding were chanted, colorful fabrics were looped around their wrists.  
  
The ceremony concluded with a loud clap from the judge, followed by scattered cheering and stomping in the background.  
  
"Congratulations, sirs!" Kryten chirped.  
  
Lister grinned. Rimmer shuffled nervously.  
  
"Relax, man."  
  
"I'll relax when we are back on the Dwarf far away from these oversized Ewoks."  
  
"Aka woya wo ugh ugh ugh!" The judges suddenly chanted.  
  
"Ugh ugh ugh!" The GELF in the benches chanted back.  
  
A short aged Inkiechwoya with a tall walking stick sauntered over to the newly official couple and tugged them by the marriage binding still tightly looped around their wrists, leading them towards an open doorway.  
  
"Erm, Kryten?" The hologram questioned as he and Lister were pulled along.  
  
"Ech kack kack ah chugga chugga!"  
  
"Oh," the mechanoid replied, eyes flitting about nervously, "oh, sirs."  
  
"Kryten, what is going on?" Lister demanded.  
  
"I-I can't say it," Kryten replied sheepishly and looked away as the two were led out the door and out of sight.  
  
==  
  
The couple was led into an ornate tent. Fine soft furs lined the floor. Lit candles were strewn about the sides.  
  
The old GELF gently nudged the two with his walking stick to the center of the room and then took to removing the fabric from their wrists. He then tossed the fabric aside and returned to stand in the doorway, leaving the human and hologram to stare at each other.  
  
"So," Lister said finally breaking the silence, taking in their surroundings.  
  
"Right," Rimmer replied, nervously fidgeting with his fingers.  
  
Another long silence.  
  
"Ech kack kack!" The GELF shook his stick at them impatiently.  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Lister replied. "We get the idea."  
  
Rimmer furrowed his brow and pondered, "You don't think he's going to do 'things' to us with that pointy stick?"  
  
"Nah, but I do think he's going to stand there the whole time."  
  
"Ech kack kack!"  
  
The human slowly bent down and sat on his knees in front of the hologram.  
  
Rimmer's eyes widened. "Listy, what are you doing?"  
  
Lister grinned back up in response. "Whadya think I'm doin?"  
  
"But-," the hologram sputtered in protest, eyes darting back over to the GELF in the doorway who now had a notepad out, scribbling away.  
  
"Just focus on me. He's not really payin attention anyway."  
  
"The smegger is literally taking notes!" Rimmer complained, gesturing wildly.  
  
==  
  
Back in the council chambers, Cat wrinkled his nose in disgust at the smells he was now picking up from outside.  
  
Kryten was almost done finalizing the transfer of goods to cover Lister's fine. He was assured that once the couple returned from the marriage tent, they would be free to go.  
  
As the mechanoid returned to his seat, a GELF from the back caught his attention and pointed excitedly towards the Cat.  
  
"Ukk cha, metal man. Your service animal… how much?"  
  
"This kitty's not for sale!" The feline scooted away from the Inkiechwoya as it poked at the fabric of his suit.  
  
"Ohk cha ech? But is so shiny!" The GELF whined.  
  
==  
  
"Listy, that was positively obscene," Rimmer breathed, still trying to regain his composure.  
  
"Chugga chugga," the old GELF said cheerily, with a wink, nudging Rimmer and Lister in a friendly manner as he escorted them back to the council chambers, his pad thick with notes.  
  
Lister shrugged, and took Rimmer's hand in his.  
  
"Now you know how the banana feels."  
  
  
  
  



End file.
